Maddening

Had a false alarm the other morning. On the train to work, suddenly felt nauseous. By the time I was walking from train station to the office, I was on the verge of entirely humiliating myself in front of my fellow professional commuters by throwing up over their shoes. I didn’t, but for a second there I was all excited – morning sickness maybe, possibly, yes???

No. I’d just taken vitamins on an empty stomach. I always get nauseous when I take vitamins on an empty stomach. *sigh*

Besides, it’s too early for that sort of thing anyway. That’s usually week three, according to the world expert in everything – Google.

I think I may have said it before, but when you’re going through IVF, Google is not necessarily your friend. Oh, it can be seriously useful and you need that online connection to get as much information as you can – now is not the time to go shutting yourself away from the great information stores of the cyber-verse. But you need to be careful when you go Googling. You need to keep your wits about you. Because just about anything can turn up.

You know Cyberchondria, right? It’s like hypochondria, except where you search on a health issue into Google, any health issue from losing a limb to a hang-nail, and it always, without fail, comes back with Cancer!!! (yes, including exclamation marks).

Googling for IVF information is a little like that. You stick some symptoms or situation or a query in and it comes back with a mass of confusion and guaranteed contradiction. Somewhere in the lot of it can often be something useful, but you have to have a clear head to sort through all the You’re going to die!!!, or in this case, the You’re never going to get pregnant!!!, results which come hurtling back at you first.

And a clear head is the last thing you have when you’re trying to deal with The Two Week Wait.

Hmmm. Not dramatic enough. Let’s try that again:

THE TWO WEEK WAIT mwuhhaaahaahaaaaa

(Yes, that was my attempt at writing evil laughter. *sigh*)

See the bit between Transfer and the blood test to see if you’ve got your money’s worth from all these fun-and-games is about two weeks. Two long weeks. Two very painfully, horribly, agonisingly long weeks. And yes, you sharp-eyed cyber-editors, this is a justified breach of the golden writing rule of avoid-adverbs-like-they’re-a-medieval-communicable-disease, because nothing is more maddening than the two week wait.

Up until the two week wait, there’s been lots to do. Blood tests. Ultrasounds. Injections. Nasal Sprays. Pills. More blood tests. More ultrasounds. Surgery. Every day, often twice a day, often more. You’re never bored during the first half of an IVF cycle, I can promise you that.

But after Transfer… nothing. There’s nothing you can do. Nothing but wait. Just go about daily life. Try to follow the advice of the specialists and just “try not to think about it”.

Yeah, right.

Let me inject a little reality into that ‘try not to think about it’ fantasy – fact is, you never actually stop thinking about it. Ever. Constantly. Until your head is going around in circles. Getting dizzy while analysing every little physical tweak, twitch and shudder to see if it’s A Sign.

And if it is a sign, is it A Good Sign, or A Bad Sign? A sign of bun-in-the-oven or of barren-wasteland-of-a-useless-womb? In other words, does that slight itch at the base of the little toe on your right foot that you never noticed before mean you’re pregnant or does it mean you’re not pregnant?

Because during the two week wait, there’s no conceivable way it just might not mean anything at all.

Or that maybe the mosquito that was buzzing around the night before might have had something to do with it. Noooo. Obviously not. Because it’s A Sign, for sure. The only variable factor is whether it’s a Good or Bad one.

Seriously, the brain starts working in these kind of circles. It’s like those religious hopefuls who see random messiah faces in burnt toast. Everything relates, everything means something, it’s just impossible to know exactly what.

So you start thinking things like: I am getting up to urinate more often during the night, maybe it’s a sign I am pregnant (and not just that I should stop drinking two cups of tea immediately before bed).

Or: I’m feeling far more fatigued than usual during the day, maybe it’s a sign I’m pregnant (and not just lacking in sleep because I’ve been up half the night blogging about IVF).

Or: I have been experiencing headaches, maybe it’s a sign I’m pregnant (and not just clenching my teeth constantly with the stress of all this malarkey).

Or you get the picture.

And it would all be fine, or at least fine enough to not drive one to the point of clinical insanity, except for one teensy-weeny little fact. It’s this fact that turns Google searches into your enemy and your brain into mush. It’s the only fact you can be absolutely sure of during the two week wait.

The fact: the signs indicating pregnancy are pretty much EXACTLY THE SAME as the signs indicating an oncoming period, i.e. not-pregnant.

It’s enough to do a girl’s head in. I think I’m going to go have a nice cup of tea, a good lie down and just try not to think about it.

Kind regards

The Patient

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Published in: on May 26, 2011 at 4:18 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I soo agree with everything you say… 🙂

  2. […] 35.  Maddening […]


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